Transitions
by W0lf Star
Summary: Elizabeth sorts through her emotions.


Title: Transitions  
Author: Wolf Star  
Rating: I guess, PGish. Nothing really bad at all  
Pairing: Shep/Weir (of course!)  
Spoilers: While I technically wrote this before _Letters from Pegasus_ came out, it could be construed as having spoilers up to that point  
Summary: Elizabeth sorts through her emotions.  
Disclaimer: insert standard these are not my characters, ect. stuff here

"I thought you said you loved me," was all she could hear ringing in the back of her head as she sat in near darkness. She couldn't help feeling as if just by thinking these things she was betraying Simon. He didn't deserve this. But he wouldn't be surprised.

Elizabeth wanted to slam her fist into something, but that was above her. She wouldn't allow this total control, but the guilt was eating at her. Not only had she left him only a video as their goodbye conversation, but now, if thoughts could be grounds for infidelity, she barely even thought of him more than once a week while thoughts of another took his place. And the memories only came at moments like this when guilt ravaged her soul.

She was brought out of her reverie, if it could be called that, by somebody at her office door. Her first glance up was only that of a man silhouetted from behind, and her first reaction was that her thoughts had somehow called him to confront her about these guilt ridden fantasies she couldn't control. Then, coming back to reality she realized that it was John.

"Am I interrupting something?" came his voice from the shadowy figure.

Shaken, she began to stand as years of diplomatic training took over, hiding the whirlpool or emotions within her, "No, Major. Is there something that I can help you with?"

The light came on as she finished speaking, and she could see him clearly now. She fought back the gasp that always threatened to come out at the sight of John's face. As he took a step toward her, she had to force herself not to take a step back. She knew it wouldn't help, and he couldn't be allowed to see the weakness she felt within.

"I noticed that the light was out and wanted to make sure you didn't sleep through the debriefing," he began to say, and his words cut strait to Elizabeth's heart with a precision she was afraid to admit.

"Thank you, Major. I have not forgotten about it," she heard herself say in a voice much steadier than she felt.

John smiled at her, turned and walked out the door as if he somehow sensed that he had won something without knowing what it was. Elizabeth watched him leave and found herself once again thinking back to Simon. She knew it was as good as over when she left but, until John's last smile, had refused to let go of the hope that one day she would be able to walk through the Gate and back into the life she had left behind as if nothing had changed. That was impossible now, she finally had to admit to herself.

The past few months had been hard. The responsibility had taken its toll, but the slow mutation of emotion was worse. Elizabeth had believed no matter how long she was gone from him, Simon would always be the only man who could truly capture her heart. With a barely audible sob, she said to nobody, "But he never had my soul."

The minutes passed as tears fell, each one washing away just a little bit more of the last shreds of her feelings toward Simon. When she finally felt as if she could cry no more Elizabeth looked up to realize that there were only a few minutes until the debriefing.

She made her way to the conference room, forcing herself to take each step. The chair felt particularly cold and hard when she sat in it. Taking a deep breath, she began the debriefing.

Words rang in her ears throughout the entire meeting. She was able to make the appropriate comments at the right times, but her heart wasn't in it. Her eyes kept going unbidden to John, and she had lost count of the number of times their eyes locked for just a second across the table. All she could do was sit and wait for everybody to finish their tales from the mission.

When it was finally done, she made a much hastier retreat than usual. She hardly acknowledged anyone as she made strait for the balcony, hoping the ocean would give her answers or at least peace. If nothing else, the sound of the waves lapping at the city was a good diversion from the turmoil within.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps behind her and felt the light touch of a hand on her shoulder. Turning as a jolt of electricity shot through her body she looked him strait in the eye. "Major?"

"Elizabeth. You left quite abruptly," John said while looking her in the eye and smiling.

All the emotions she had kept hidden from him for so long came flooding into her, reflecting in her eyes. She couldn't hide behind the mask anymore, and she couldn't think of what to say to him. All she could do was look at him and wonder what he was seeing.

Almost as if reacting to the raw emotion written all over her face, John's expression became serious. He was still smiling, but it had an edge to it she hadn't seen before. His mouth opened and closed again, and he took a deep breath of air. Elizabeth felt him take her hand as he continued to hold his breath. As he started to let the air out, his lips began to move, silently speaking. She held his gaze, and finally she heard words begin to emerge from his mouth. "I haven't said anything because I was afraid you wouldn't want to hear it from me. But, something is different now. Elizabeth, I…"

He never finished what he was saying, because Elizabeth put her fingers over his lips. "I know, John. I feel the same way."

With that, she leaned in and felt his lips on hers for the first time. All doubt washed away, only to be replaced by an uncontrollable longing signaling the transition she had so long put off.


End file.
